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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

How To Hit On a Bald Guy - A Public Service

I’ve shaved my head for 13 years now, just about the same amount of time I’ve been out as a gay man. So, if there’s one thing I know, it’s how guys (and girls) approach bald guys. I realize I appeal to a niche market, i.e., not everyone is going to be attracted to someone who scrapes a Mach 3 across his head every morning, and I’m cool with that. But there are people who are sincerely turned on by this look, and it’s served me well throughout my dating career (thank you Dean Cain in "Broken Hearts Club" for that phrase). So here as a public service are my tips for How to Hit on a Bald Guy:

• It’s always a good idea to ask a Bald Guy if you can rub his head before doing so. I don’t mind, but some guys freak out at the idea of a strange person suddenly rubbing their heads. Factor in the race of the rubbee and the rubber and you have all sorts of weirdness going on. “I love shaved heads. Can I rub yours?” works perfectly fine. Unless you’re hideous.

• Don’t ask “How long have you been bald?” What difference does it make? I’m bald NOW, bitch!

• Another bad one – “So, do you still have hair if you don’t shave your head?” Yes, but it would look like the lawn at Woodstock ’99 the day after. Again, what does it matter? I’m bald NOW, bitch! (An aside – I actually went out with a guy who loved my shaved head until after a few weeks he discovered that if I let it grow out, I was actually balding. It was then that he immediately stopped calling, which means he was probably looking for any flaw, no matter how ridiculous, to end it.) When people ask me this question, I suppress the urge to look down and say “So, do you have decent calves if you don’t wear long pants?”

• Don’t make his baldness a fetish. It’s nice to say, “Wow, you look good with a shaved head. It really works for you.” It’s not good to say, “OHMIGOD, I TOTALLY LOVE SHAVED HEADS! THEY GET ME OFF SO HARD! MUAHAGHGHGHHGGHH!”, then cum in your pants. That’s a little creepy. This extends to guys with chat handles like “SHVDHEDLVR”. Be a little more subtle about it – no one likes to be reduced to a single physical trait. I mean, I totally wanna mack a guy with cornrows, but you don’t see me chatting with a handle like “CORNROWS4ME”.

• Unless the object of your desire is a hardcore Trekker into sexual Trek slash fanfic, the phrase “You look like a hotter, more buff Patrick Stewart” is NOT a compliment. Do not mention Professor X, either. Or Mr. Clean. Or Dr. Evil. Just don’t. It wasn’t funny the second, third or 5,692nd time, and it’s not going to be funny now.

• And finally, a tip for those balding/bald guys out there – stop it with the baseball caps every time you go out. You know you’re bald. They know you’re bald, and if they don’t, they WILL reach up at some point in the evening to take your hat off to get a look and the unfortunate “OHMIGOD DON’T GRAB MY HAT” Flinch is not becoming on anyone. Plus, the baseball cap look leads to nothing except for mistrust and hard feelings when it finally comes off in the bedroom and you see the sinking look of disappointment in your lover’s eyes. If you’re 25 or older, baseball caps should only be worn at amusement parks, in convertibles or while yachting.

Otherwise, be proud and let that shit shine, brotha!

Fine Folks

"...and by hubris, I mean overweening pride!" - Johnny's Greatest Hits

25 Year Loop
Fucking Woof
David Live
The Night Before
Jobriath Was First
She's in Parties
She's in Parties Pt. 2
Tales From the Dragon Club
Tales From the Dragon Club Pt. 2
Okay, California...You Win
How to Sell Used CDs

Previously on "Johnny Is a Man"...

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