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Thursday, March 10, 2005

Dear Dan Savage:

I love your sassy sex column, I really do. And nine times out of ten, I think you’re spot on with your blunt and sometimes brutal to read advice.

That tenth time, however…well, shit. You not only miss the target, you urge it to hire a hooker. Por ejemplo this poor guy wrote you and asked:

My favorite movie-musical song is the Jane Russell number in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, "Ain't There Anyone Here for Love?" which goes something like this: "I like big muscles and red corpuscles, I like a beautiful hunk of man." Problem is, I don't seem to attract muscle-men myself. Obviously it's a big fantasy, but can this fantasy come true? Try as I might, I can't seem to get to first base, let alone up to bat. Do you think this can ever happen?
Alone In Albany

And your answer?

Sure it can happen, AIA, if you're willing to pay to play. Gym memberships, protein supplements, and steroids are all expensive, and there are lots of body-builders out there who help make ends meet by renting themselves to guys like you.

"It's a big fantasy for a lot a lot people," says Trey Rexx, a great big hunk of an escort who lives and works in Salt Lake City—yes, the one in Utah. "Some people make a big deal about 'not wanting to pay for it,' but what I tell people is that you wind up paying for it somehow. Even if it's just a dinner date, you're paying for it. Why is it such a big deal to pay to see someone you know to be your physical ideal to fulfill a fantasy?"

Like I said, “hire a hooker.”

Dan, Dan. Oh, Dan. This is such the wrong advice on so many levels. How do I know? Because that letter could have been from me about 15 years ago. You didn’t bother to ask the writer if he went to the gym or worked out himself. Why is that? I can tell you that’s a major reason why he’s not attracting the type of guy he wants.

When I was 24 years old, I was 5’8” and weighed 135 lbs., yet somehow, I still had a 34” waist. Basically, I was a mess. I had just come out a year before and I was miserable. Miserable because I was obsessed with bodybuilders. Surely there had to be a huge muscleman who was attracted to a skinny, comic book reading, gut-having, Ethiopian-starving-child-looking white boy like myself! But where was he?

He didn’t and still doesn’t exist. It just ain’t happening, kids. Sorry to be the voice of reality.

However, one night on one of those crappy “Love Talk” radio programs, I heard the best advice I ever got in my life. A young man in my same situation had called in and asked the same question…”Why can’t I get a muscle man?” The host said something so simple, and yet so true. She told the young man to “become what you desire.”

Become what you desire. That means join the gym, get on the treadmill, lift the weights, change the diet, work. Discipline. Focus. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you will be sore. Yes, your body will change. But it takes time. The first 90 days are absolutely the toughest. You will want to quit. You “won’t have the time.” But if you plow thru that first 90 days, after that you’ll find working out is just another part of your day that you just do.

You’ll look better. You’ll be more confident. And you’ll eventually land a muscle man.

And then you’ll discover another truth I’ve found. The bigger the muscles, the more boring the lay. Seriously, yawn city, Marie. I don’t know why that is. But it’s true.

Then, since you have a nicer body, you’ll find you get over your muscle fetish. It becomes less and less important to you. And you’ll find yourself dating guys who are the same size or even smaller than you (GASP!) solely because of their personalities (HORROR!) or shared interests (…faint). I know, I know, it’s hard to believe now, but you’ll get there eventually. Until then, get to the gym.

And become what you desire.

You’re welcome, Dan.

P.S. Lost in the '80s has been updated today, too.

Fine Folks

"...and by hubris, I mean overweening pride!" - Johnny's Greatest Hits

25 Year Loop
Fucking Woof
David Live
The Night Before
Jobriath Was First
She's in Parties
She's in Parties Pt. 2
Tales From the Dragon Club
Tales From the Dragon Club Pt. 2
Okay, California...You Win
How to Sell Used CDs

Previously on "Johnny Is a Man"...

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