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Location: Long Beach, California, United States

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Saturday, July 24, 2004

The Best Buddy Cole Monologue Ever

Dinosaurs - from the Kids in the Hall Season One DVD box set:

I think that Ernest Hemingway was speaking for all gay men everywhere when he said that "a man is nothing without a harpoon and a bar that he can call home." Now I've never been satisfied with just one harpoon, so I certainly don't see why I should be satisfied with just one bar. But lately, there have been some ominous developments in the gay bar community that I would like to share with you.

Just last week I was at Bloomie's, having a smart cocktail at the bar, talking to my friend Tom -- you know Tom, Tom the bartender -- and all of a sudden, a Tyrannosaurus Rex walked in. I couldn't believe it.

What a bore.

Drank like a fish, totally took over the dance floor, and killed thirty or forty fags with that stupid tail of is. I was incensed. I mean, really, isn't there some sort of dress code or door policy? 'Course I could see how he got in, with those faggy little hands of his, mincing around the dance floor -- like some queen of the place to see.

Oh, they're just like leather men. Oh, sure they'll drive you home on the back of their motorcycle. Vroom, vroom. But once you're in the door, it's off with the jacket and up with the heels.

It's happening everywhere. Just last week I was at Cafe Boy on the roof top patio. Some of us were enjoying a lovely brunch when all of a sudden the pterodactyl swooped in and ruined all our fun. Up-ended the table, made fun of Sky's new play and bit off Jule's head.

Oh, nobody helped us - oh no - they were all too caught up in themselves. So I marched straight downstairs to talk to Tom -- you know my friend Tom, Tom the owner -- and I said, "Tom, are you aware of the situation developing upstairs in the patio?" He said, "if you mean the pterodactyl ruining everybody's fun, yes, but there's nothing I can do. He has a sweet tooth." Well, there's something I can do, I'm not going back.

And it's even happening at Daddy's. I was there last week when the gorgasaurus arrived with her lipsyncing troupe of monitor lizards and bit off Jule's hand. He'll never play piano like he used to. And if I hadn't been passed out in the forest swimming in my own vomit, I'd have said something!


Get extinct!

Fine Folks

"...and by hubris, I mean overweening pride!" - Johnny's Greatest Hits

25 Year Loop
Fucking Woof
David Live
The Night Before
Jobriath Was First
She's in Parties
She's in Parties Pt. 2
Tales From the Dragon Club
Tales From the Dragon Club Pt. 2
Okay, California...You Win
How to Sell Used CDs

Previously on "Johnny Is a Man"...

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