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Location: Long Beach, California, United States

Music Geek - Rock & Roll Jeopardy Champ Certified!

Poop Culture

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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Attention Young Gay America

Stop it with the auditioning for American Idol already.

You are never going to get laid that way. Ever.

Pre-emptive Internet Meme Joke Strike

I really want to be the first person in the BLAHG - GOE- SPHERRRE to say that PSycHo MaRY from last night's American Idol was truly the love child of Emo Phillips and Ellen.


That is all.

What I Wish Someone Would Have Asked Condi

"Do you agree with many of the President's supporters that it's our job to bring Christianity to the Middle East?"

Can you imagine the amount of shit hitting the fan that either answer would bring?

Monday, January 17, 2005

Obligatory Year-End Bullshit List

While 2004 mostly sucked major donkey dong, I must admit it was the best year for new music in quite some time. Dance music continued to wither and die its slow, tumor-filled death due to its continuing lack of personality, but indie and mainstream alternative (sorry, there’s no better way to put it than that oxymoronic way) music had a nice little resurgence, as act after act of skinny-tie-wearing eighties revivalists allowed me to wallow in my lost youth, yet maintain the patina of hipness. Here it is, kids, 2004’s best from awesomest to totally most awesomestests:

10. The Cardigans “Long Gone Before Daylight”
First person to chirp “love me, love me, say that you love me” gets it in the cunt. Nina and boys have left one-hit wonder status far behind them, it’s just that America needs to fucking catch up. As usual. This record is not happy. This record is sad, melancholic and beautiful.
Download “For What It’s Worth”

9. Bloc Party “Dim Mak EP”
Completely trend-worthy choppy guitar pop that touches on the Police before Sting became a raging asshole. This is what fags should be dancing to in clubs. And they will, if I ever take another residency. To wit, here’s a remix of their first American single. Plus, you can jog to it with the treadmill set at 6.7 and keep perfect time.
Download “Banquet (Phones Disco Edit)”

8. The Delays “Faded Seaside Glamour”
It takes a tremendous amount of talent to sound like the Smiths, the Cocteau Twins, the Beautiful South and the goddamn Mighty Lemon Drops all at once and not be complete sack wranglers. Congrats!
Download “Nearer Than Heaven”

7. The Sounds “Living In America”
This may be cheating…didn’t this actually come out in 2003? Whatevs. Hey, Sounds’ record label! I have an idea! Fuck them over completely by choosing a song about how proud they are that they’re not living in America as their first American single! Radio will love it! No? Sorry. Anyways, my sister probably had the best description of them – they sound like all those fake, made-up new wave bands that would always be playing during party scenes in every cheap 80’s teen movie. This is a good thing, mind you. This song has such a kickin’ Moroder vibe, it leaves a little precum stain in my chones.
Download “Mine for Life”

6. The Boomtown Rats “Best of”
Yes, an eighties compilation makes the list, solely because most of this has been criminally out of print for years and years. The entire Rats catalog gets a deluxe re-issuing in February, thank God. Yeah, Saint Bob is sort of a tool, but here’s some proof that he was once viable. I mean, the guy wrote a song from Hitler’s point of view about Eva Braun being a total stalker. Five years later, bitch was all about “feed the world”. Ten years later, he drove Michael Hutchence to hang himself while whacking his pud. Hmmm…okay Bob, all is forgiven.
Download “I Never Loved Eva Braun”

5. Interpol “Antics”
Brilliantly straddles the line between “more of the same” and “slightly different enough to get away with doing more of the same.” The Strokes, take note.
Download “Not Even Jail”

4. Trashcan Sinatras “Weightlifting”
I wish I could take nine years off and come back to work this refreshed. The Sundays, take note.
Download “It’s a Miracle”(not the Culture Club song)

3. The Dears “No Cities Left”
In a secret lab in Toronto or somewhere Canadian-y, a group of scientists came together to create some lumbering monstrosity that combined everything Johnny loves musically into one cohesive unit. One part Morrissey, one part early Blur, one part later Blur (good songs only) and hell, throw in some “Station to Station”-era Bowie, too. This became the Dears. Hooray, group of scientists!
Download “Lost In the Plot”

2. Franz Ferdinand “Franz Ferdinand” / The Killers “Hot Fuss”
Shut up, you like them too, asshole.
Download “Michael”
Download “Why Don’t You Find Out for Yourself” (ooo, a non-album Moz cover!)

and 1. Morrissey “You Are the Quarry”
Miss Latin Lover here should be required to take eight years between albums from now on (see also, Trashcan Sinatras, the Sundays, Kate Bush). To paraphrase Bart Simpson referring to Ralph Wiggum, if you pause “Come Back to Camden” at exactly 4:14 into it, you can hear Morrissey’s little heart break.
Download “Come Back to Camden”

Okay 2005, get crackin’. I’m looking at you, David Bowie.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

It's Clobberin' Time

I dished on the upcoming "Fantastic Four" movie at a leather bar with "Be a VJ on MTV" runner-up Dave Holmes last night.

Only in L.A., Taylor Dayne, only in L.A.

Fine Folks

"...and by hubris, I mean overweening pride!" - Johnny's Greatest Hits

25 Year Loop
Fucking Woof
David Live
The Night Before
Jobriath Was First
She's in Parties
She's in Parties Pt. 2
Tales From the Dragon Club
Tales From the Dragon Club Pt. 2
Okay, California...You Win
How to Sell Used CDs

Previously on "Johnny Is a Man"...

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