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Location: Long Beach, California, United States

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Poop Culture

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Saturday, March 26, 2005

Neck Tattoo Guys

Last week I had the privilege of serving my country by reporting for jury duty.


I lived in Ohio for 30 years, and had never been called to serve jury duty. I’ve lived in California for just over five years and I’ve been called three times. I guess it’s my winning smile and palpable sense of fair play. Either that, or I’m the only sucker who actually reports when ordered (no comments, please).

Jury duty in Long Beach is different than jury duty in San Diego in that the LB Courthouse actually screens for weapons, much like an airport. Whether this is a recent phenomenon, thanks to events in Atlanta, or not, it results in two long, twisting lines in the morning outside the front doors before the courthouse opens. One line is reserved for jurors (thank God), the other for whoever else needs to be in court that day, whether they’re on trial, petitioners, witnesses, observers, what have you. Both lines meet head on at two separate doors leading inside, just perfect for anyone on trial for capital murder to get a good look at each and every juror before court begins.

I immediately noticed that the other line was much, much hotter than the juror’s line. It was packed with a rainbow of hot men in their mid-20s to early-30s, each one more muscular and buffed up than the last, presumably the results of the prison weight yard during their most recent incarcerations. It appeared no one except me had seemed to dress up for court…it was all black t-shirts, baggy jeans and pristine, blinding white tennis shoes. Any exposed part of their skin except for their faces was covered in tattoos, including some serious neck tattoos.

Now, neck tattoos intrigue me. I don’t think there’s a more brutally honest way of telling the world that you just don’t give a fuck if you never work in an office cubicle than getting a neck tattoo. That’s sending out a serious signal to everyone you meet – “Bacdafucup, muthafucka. I got a neck tattoo. No, I do not want to ‘grab coffee sometime.’ I do, however, want your wallet. Now.”

Each one of those guys at one point in his life made a conscious decision to pick out a design, skip on down to his local tat parlor, plop down some green, and have an inked needle scrape across his tender neck flesh until it bled, leaving a mixture of drying blood and color. No turning back, no covering it up with long sleeves for work, no wearing an ascot in August. Whoop, there it is.

Sure, you can make incredibly hot wild monkey love with a Neck Tattoo Guy, but can you take a one home to meet mom? Absolutely not. But why is that, I ask? Why can’t you build a life and a future with a Neck Tattoo Guy? The physical attraction is there. That’s half the battle (7/8ths of the battle if you’re gay). The mental attraction is definitely possible…most of us can relate to the same TV shows, movies and music if we’re open minded and really feel like trying. So why can’t we find permanent love with a Neck Tattoo Guy?

All these thoughts raced through my mind as I waited patiently in line to be frisked for jury duty. Then the answer hit me.

You cannot find true love with a Neck Tattoo Guy because Neck Tattoo Guys are the type of guys who would never report for jury duty. Neck Tattoo Guys always end up in the other courthouse line.

Simple, really.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Oh great, now I feel bad.

Remember the queeny guy I work with who runs down the hall, yelling all the time?

Yesterday in a staff meeting, in all seriousness, he revealed to the group that he used to have a hamster in college (!) named "Seduction".

I could not stop laughing. Soon, everyone else joined me.

He called off today.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Maya Rudolph Worship Post

Mya In Space

"Who said what to whom, 'Oh no, this is gonna be intergalactic.' Hang on a second and let me pull myself together."


"Say what?"


"Nuh uh!"


"Go 'head!"


"Where's my lipstick?"


"That's what I thought you said. One, blast ooooooff! GAYS IN SPAAAACE!"

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

LBC reprazent

I'm just thinking out loud here, but I'm interested in starting a Greater Long Beach/OC/LA-ish gay blog ring. Sort of a clearing house where you could go to read all the local gay blogs in one easy location.

I know you're out there, 'cuz I see you on the stats. Sign in the comments with your blog URL if you're interested.

Fine Folks

"...and by hubris, I mean overweening pride!" - Johnny's Greatest Hits

25 Year Loop
Fucking Woof
David Live
The Night Before
Jobriath Was First
She's in Parties
She's in Parties Pt. 2
Tales From the Dragon Club
Tales From the Dragon Club Pt. 2
Okay, California...You Win
How to Sell Used CDs

Previously on "Johnny Is a Man"...

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